Re-Release - How our childhood shapes every aspect of our lives with Dr. Gabor Maté
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This month, we’re re-releasing some of our favourite episodes of the podcast. We start with my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté, which I often refer to as the most important conversation I’ve ever had on the podcast.
Dr. Gabor is highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics including addiction, trauma, stress and childhood development. His work has been profoundly impactful in not just my own life, but that of so many others.
In this episode, we speak about addiction, childhood trauma, modern parenting practices and the impact of stress on our parenting. Dr. Gabor explains how everything in our lives can be traced back to our childhood and how this impacts the way that we parent now.
It’s a really compassionate, judgement-free conversation and I think it might help you to find a deeper understanding of yourself, and your children.
I hope you enjoy the episode and, as always, the conversation continues over on Instagram so do come and join us there.
You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.
Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:
Childhood Trauma:
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Dr. Gabor shares what the Zen Buddhist teacher Thích Nhất Hạnh said about parenting: the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child is his or her happiness. (03:50)
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The baseline task of parenting is to take care of ourselves first. (04:12)
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He shares his experience during therapy, where he remembered seeing his mother as a 6-month-old infant and feeling sorry about how upset he made her feel. (04:34)
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Trauma is not what happens to you but how you experience what happens to you. (05:37)
Using Addiction & Workaholism to Cope:
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Dr. Gabor traces his trauma to being a Jewish infant during the Nazi occupation with a mother who was stressed, grief-stricken, and terrorised. (06:33)
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Children can develop an unconscious belief that they’re not lovable by interpreting a mother’s unhappiness while young. (07:00)
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He realised that he unwittingly passed this on to his children by being a workaholic. (07:39)
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Addiction is manifested in any behaviour where a person finds temporary pleasure or relief in and therefore craves it. However, people cannot give it up and also suffer negative consequences as a result. (08:13)
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He disagrees with scientific claims that addiction is a chronic brain disease. Instead, he describes it as a brilliant attempt to cope with what an individual feels they’re lacking. (08:33)
The Judgment on Addicts in Society:
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Dr. Gabor thinks that society tags identifiable addicts as scapegoats when, in fact, each one of us is caught up in our addictions. (10:31)
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We project our self-dislike onto others to feel better about ourselves. (11:11)
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There’s a huge industry built around addressing addiction, including treatment and law enforcement. But if we look at the evidence, our present measures don’t serve their intended purpose. (11:22)
Dysfunctional Parenting Practices:
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Dr. Gabor shares two parenting techniques that train people out of their parenting instincts. (13:29)
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Sleep training as a parenting practice works for teaching children that the mother is not important. Their brain shuts down to help them escape from the pain of being ignored. (15:14)
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He finds that the second practice, the timeout technique, is harmful towards the child. It teaches them that their behaviour is more important than them. (15:44)
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Dr. Gabor cautions parents that practising these two techniques trains a child to emotionally withdraw, which then causes parents to lose parental authority. (16:54)
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Both parenting practices force parents to parent not from the child’s needs, but their comfort. (19:05)
Adult Adaptations Based from Childhood:
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For Dr. Gabor, his workaholism was an adaptation to the lack of attention he experienced as a child. (20:07)
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Adaptations depend on how a person behaves and relates to others. Your adaptations manifest in your actions, and people respond to it instead of responding to you. (20:17)
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For instance, if a person is nice, it can be a reflection of how they adapted to not being valued as children. (20:38)
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Stress is a result of you ignoring your emotional needs. (21:20)
Repairing the Relationship with Your Kids:
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In our society, vulnerability is punished, laughed at, and demeaned. However, nothing grows without vulnerability. (22:36)
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When parents damage a relationship with a child, the child shuts down defensively, and they stop growing emotionally. (23:05)
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To help children develop into healthy adults, we must promote a culture of vulnerability. (23:12)
Breaking Off from Nature:
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According to Dr. Gabor, people used to live in small communities of hunter-gatherer groups, where children had multiple attachments to adult figures in their lives. (24:51)
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Nowadays, parents have pressures on them that are beyond the natural responsibility experienced by our ancestors. (25:23)
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Even though we can’t go back to being hunters and gatherers, we can restore the circumstances in which adults can meet a child’s attachment needs. (25:52)
Parenting as a Social & Economic Issue:
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Dr. Gabor cites Margaret Thatcher’s policies in the 1980s which reflect the breaking down of communities through cutbacks in social programs and promoting individualism. (26:07)
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We need to get back to a communal ethic. However, doing so means challenging certain powerful interests who are happy with retaining the status quo. (26:38)
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Women now have to play an equivalent economic role in society, but no one has stepped up to share the emotional responsibility in motherhood. (28:31)
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Since the Second World War, this is the hardest time to be a mother. (29:08)
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With the increasing neo-liberalisation of the economy and rising inequality, people have increased pressures that make it very difficult to be a parent. (29:34)
Becoming More Conscious as a Parent:
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Dr. Gabor described himself as a needy boy during the early years of his marriage. His wife had to be a mother not only for their children but also for him. (30:40)
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To become a more conscious mother, he suggests looking into your marriage and finding out how much time is taken away from the children because you are mothering your spouse. (31:15)
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Mothers should also understand the child’s attachment needs. (31:39)
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Even though it’s used to describe children who are being rude or aggressive, Dr Gabor interprets the phrase ‘acting out’ as an emotional expression of what they lack because they don’t know the language for it. He uses a metaphor for charades. (31:49)
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When parenting experts say that you should control your child’s behaviour when they act out, you are ignoring your parenting instincts as well as the child’s pain. (32:45)
Adults Can Become Happy Children:
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Dr. Gabor explains that even though you are a conscious mother, your childhood trauma can get triggered whenever you parent your kids. (38:45)
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Nonetheless, it’s never too late for adults to have a happy childhood. (39:08)
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Healing is not a hope but a possibility. (39:19)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
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Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, PhD, and Gabor Maté, MD
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Enroll in Compassionate Inquiry, a course designed for therapists and health providers for healing trauma and understanding mental and physical illness as developed by Dr. Gabor Maté.
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Learn tools to better support yourself and your children emotionally through the coronavirus pandemic. Join The Family Reset Plan workshop for a limited introductory price of £25. It’s FREE for all NHS Staff! Register today!
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FREEBIES! Find out how you can take control of your life, reconnect to you, and more! Download ‘10 Ways to Reconnect to You’ and our weekly and monthly check-in on Motherkind.co.
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Are you ready to find freedom from guilt? Let me help you find Freedom from Perfectionism if you are a mother who has ever felt not quite enough.
About Dr. Gabor
Dr Gabor Maté is a renowned speaker and bestselling author who teaches about human development through the lens of science and compassion. He is a retired medical doctor who has over 20 years of family practice and palliative care experience.
Dr. Gabor empowers people to promote their own healing by presenting a broad perspective on issues such as drug addiction, childhood development, trauma, and mental illness. His books include ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction’, ‘When the Body Says No’, and ‘Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers’, written with Dr. Gordon Neufeld. He is currently writing his next book, ‘The Myth of Normal: Illness and Health in an Insane Culture’.
Learn more about Dr. Gabor and follow his work on Facebook, Twitter, and his website.