Re-Release - How to stop saying yes when you mean no with Sarah Knight

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This week, we’re re-releasing the interview I did last year with the brilliant Sarah Knight. Sarah is the author of the ‘No ‘F*ck’s Given’ guides – including the bestselling book ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving an F*ck’ and her most recent book, ‘F*ck No!’

This episode does come with an ‘explicit’ warning as there’s quite a bit of swearing - so it might be best to listen with headphones on, away from little ears!

In this episode, we talk about how to say ‘no’. I’m a real stickler for keeping boundaries – because it’s so important to protect our precious time and energy. Sarah teaches us how to say no in a number of scenarios, and importantly how not to feel guilty about it afterwards.

I hope you enjoy it and I’d love to hear what you think. As always, the conversation continues over on Instagram, so do come and join us there.

You can download a transcript of this week’s episode here.

Key takeaway’s from this week’s episode:

How Writing F*ck No Started:

  • F*ck No is the natural bookend to The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck. (05:57)

  • After readers realise that it is okay to say ‘no’, the follow-up would be to teach them how to say it, which doesn’t have to be nasty, cruel or rude. (06:14)

  • The books are especially helpful for people-pleasers. (06:53)

Benefits of Saying ‘No’ More:

  • Saying ‘no’ more addresses the idea of being overly-committed to something. (07:28)

  • One of the biggest impediments of saying ‘no’ is that people think it’s not okay. However, when Sarah started saying ‘no’ more, she experienced no negative consequences. (08:03)

  • It also deters people from pressuring others to do things or attend certain events. (7:50)

  • Finally, it also helps us remember that we are not in a bubble of self-inflicted guilt and obligation. The person on the other end will probably understand. (09:41)

The 4 Archetypes of Yes-People:

  • People are generally conditioned to be accommodating, nice and helpful. (10:42)

  • There is nothing wrong with saying ‘yes’ frequently as long as you can identify why you’re doing it. (10:54)

  • The four archetypes are the people-pleaser, the overachiever, the pushover, and the FOMO-er. Listen to the full episode to know more about each of them. (10:42)

  • You can take the four archetypes quiz in the book to identify the kind of ‘yes-person’ you are. (12:20)

  • The results of the quiz revealed a surprising mix of yes-people. Also, fewer people identify as pushovers because they do not perceive themselves as pushovers. (12:53)

Types of No’s:

  • The ‘hard no’ does not necessarily have to be a rude ‘no’. You are also not obligated to give the reasons behind your hard nos. (13:44)

  • The ‘no for now’ means that you want to do something with and for other people. Sarah uses it when she wants to help out, but the timeline or approach of the activity does not agree with hers. (14:09)

  • Sarah’s book presents a lot of ways to say ‘no’ in a non-confrontational manner. One of the benefits of saying ‘no’ is that it helps you to discover yourself and the people you are with. (15:38)

Saying ‘No’ & Walking Away:

  • Be confident in saying ‘no’. When people push you to do things, you also have to push back by saying that you do not want to do it. (16:30)

Why Being Clear & Concise Is Important:

  • People are often tempted to lie or embellish the truth in telling the reason why they cannot do something. (17:29)

  • Lying only worsens the situation because you are forced to keep a mental calendar of the reasons you said for not coming and the real reasons you’re not coming. (17:37)

  • Sarah made it clear in her book that being comfortable in saying no is not enough. You also have to be comfortable in taking it as an answer. (17:50)

  • The more you put this into practice, the more others are going to mirror it back to you. (18:13)

Dealing with Guilt:

  • Identify whether your guilt is warranted or unwarranted. Is it completely bad or subjectively bad? (20:12)

  • If your guilt is unwarranted, the next question to ask yourself is whether such guilt is purely self-imposed or is only the result of outside pressure. (20:42)

  • Sarah’s advice is to ignore the whispers in your head and try to say ‘no’. It is going to be fine 75% of the time. (21:11)

  • If people do give you a hard time for saying ‘no’, do not let yourself get tied up in the self-imposed guilt about it. (21:23)

Being Obligated vs Feeling Obligated:

  • Sarah categorises obligations into ‘Must I?’, ‘Should I?’ or ‘Will I?’ When it comes to identifying ‘obligations’, everything should boil down into its essence as being a mere literal obligation, such as showing up for work. (22:57)

  • All other things people think they have an obligation to perform, such as when it comes to family, turn out to be not actual obligations. In such cases, you have a choice. (23:21)

  • Sometimes, obligation depends on your family’s dynamics and your relationship with these people. (23:32)

  • Being selfish is okay as long as it helps you more than it hurts the other person. (24:12)

Who Has the Power to Make Decisions?

  • Having a conversation with a family member helps. (26:18)

  • Ultimately, you get to decide what things are not worth it. (26:47)

  • To be comfortable with saying ‘no’, you have to weather a bit of passive-aggressive commentary and FOMO. (27:00)

The Benefits of Saying ‘No’ More for Sarah:

  • Sarah no longer takes too many responsibilities, and this made her a calmer and happier person. (27:58)

  • She was able to prioritise her need for sleep and downtime. (28:29)

  • It has helped people gain more confidence. (29:07)

How Sarah Dealt with Her Anxiety:

  • Writing her book allowed her to ease her anxiety as she was able to deal with problem-solving. (31:19)

  • Staying firm about her decisions and not worrying about them helped her a lot. (31:41)

Teaching Kids to Say ‘No’:

  • Children must be modelled by their parents on how to say ‘no’, take ‘no’ for an answer and handle the consequences of saying it. (34:24)

  • Whenever Sarah says ‘no’ to kids, they do not go running off because she also explains why she is saying ‘no’ to them. (34:54)

  • Say ‘no’ to your child politely and honestly so that children may learn about boundaries. (35:31)

Resources mentioned in this episode:

About Sarah

Sarah Knight is a renowned editor based in Brooklyn and the Dominican Republic. She graduated from Harvard University and has worked for major publishing houses in New York. In her astounding career as an editor, Knight edited over 100 books. However, in 2015, she decided to leave her career and instead pursue her own passion for writing. Thus, her No F*cks Given Guides came to be.

If you want to get in touch with Sarah, visit her website for more details.

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